After deconstructing our faith, my family has grown accustomed to being told that we are lost or in need of salvation. It is painful, particularly when it comes from familiar and beloved family and friends. We now appreciate the connections with those who embrace us as we are and are evolving alongside us, even if they may not fully comprehend our journey.
I've learned through research, along with my experience and that of others, that one of the most hurtful things you can do to another human is tell them they are lost or wrong because they believe differently than you, act differently than you, or choose to live their life differently than you. Ignorance damages relationships, causes division, and breaks people's spirits. Acceptance, education, and awareness are key to human connection, unity, and love.
The majority of our core values and beliefs come from religion. and I've come to realize that believing something deeply does not make it the only truth; it’s essential to remember that everyone’s path is unique. With thousands of religions and spiritual practices around the world, each offering its own perspective on truth, it's crucial to respect that what works for one may not be right for another. Wanting someone to change who they are because they do not believe what you do can be harmful for several reasons:
1. Undermines Self-Worth: It implies that the person's core identity or values are flawed or unacceptable, which can damage their self-esteem and sense of self-worth. It sends a message that they are not good enough as they are.
2. Suppresses Authenticity: Pressuring someone to change often forces them to suppress their true self, leading to emotional distress and a loss of authenticity. This can result in internal conflict and unhappiness.
3. Erodes Trust: When people feel they must change to meet someone else’s expectations, it can erode trust in the relationship. They might feel judged or rejected, which can weaken the connection and mutual respect.
4. Promotes Division: This mindset can create a divide between people, fostering an environment where differences are not celebrated but rather seen as problems to be fixed. It discourages diversity and can lead to increased conflict and misunderstanding.
5. Stifles Growth: Genuine growth and change should come from personal desire and self-reflection, not external pressure. Attempting to force change can stifle genuine development and prevent people from evolving in ways that are meaningful to them.
Embracing and accepting others as they are, while fostering an environment of mutual respect and understanding, supports healthier and more supportive relationships.
Growing up in a fundamental religion, I realize that this may not be an easy concept for some to grasp, so I wrote a story for children and adults, and included some questions that can help navigate this concept.
Thorny’s Change of Heart
Written by Jamie Edelbrock
All rights reserved - September 1, 2024
In an enchanting garden, there was a magnificent rose named Thorny. Her petals sparkled like jewels, and her fragrance was cherished by all. Thorny, the wise elder of the garden, had seen many seasons and had passed down her knowledge to many. Her most cherished flower was her grandchild, Lily, who had just arrived with dazzling, multi-colored petals.
Thorny was initially unsettled by Lily’s vibrant appearance. “Your colors are so different,” Thorny said with concern. “You don’t quite fit in with the other flowers here. You might end up being banished to the dying garden where flowers like you are sent because they don’t match the rest.” Lily’s petals drooped, feeling hurt and frightened by Thorny’s words. They wondered if they truly belonged in the garden.
The other flowers, seeing Lily’s distress, gathered around them, trying to offer comfort, but the sting of Thorny’s judgment had already dampened Lily’s spirit. The wise oak tree, noticing the sadness, called a meeting.
“Thorny,” the oak tree said gently, “you’ve always been admired for your wisdom, but wisdom also means understanding that differences don’t mean someone is lost or destined for a dying garden. Banishing flowers isn’t real; it’s a fear born from not understanding that every flower has its own place and purpose. The only right way in this world is to love without judgment.”
Thorny listened, her heart beginning to open. “But if differences aren’t a reason for banishment, then what is?”
The oak tree replied, “Acceptance and love create unity. By embracing Lily’s unique colors, you honor the richness of our garden and the diversity of our world. No flower should be sent away just because they are different. Everyone belongs and contributes to the beauty of the garden.”
Feeling a pang of regret, Thorny approached Lily with humility. “Lily, I’m sorry for my harsh words and my fear that you might be banished. I didn’t understand how special and beautiful your colors are. I see now that banishment isn’t real, and love without judgment is the way to embrace and celebrate each other’s differences. Can we start over?”
Lily looked at Thorny, their heart softened by the sincere apology. “Thank you, Grandma. I’d like that very much.”
As Thorny spent time with Lily, she discovered how Lily’s colors brought new life and beauty to the garden. They learned from each other, and Thorny realized that true wisdom involves loving without judgment and valuing everyone, no matter how different they may be.
From then on, Thorny’s petals seemed to shine even more brightly, reflecting the warmth and acceptance she had gained. The garden thrived in its newfound unity, with Thorny and Lily growing closer and celebrating the diverse beauty around them. In this harmonious garden, Thorny’s change of heart showed that even the most beautiful and wise can become even more radiant by embracing and cherishing the uniqueness of others, understanding that love and acceptance are the true measures of belonging and that every flower has its place in the garden of life.
For reflection, answer the following questions:
PS! I would love to see your answers in the comment section!
How can we create environments where people feel valued and understood, despite their differences in beliefs, behaviors, or lifestyles, and what are the practical steps we can take to move beyond our own biases?
How would you feel if someone told you that you didn't belong because of something that makes you unique, and what can you do to help others feel included and appreciated?
What are some ways we can educate ourselves and others about different perspectives to build stronger, more accepting relationships and communities?
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